So you can understand how I felt when the doctor told me "You have cancer". And not just that, after a series of test, the doctors came back and said "You have stage 3 cancer". My whole world just collapse in front of my eyes. It took awhile for me to accept that I had cancer and it took me awhile to stop asking "Why me?" question. It took a whole mindset change to put myself on the road to healing.
I started to question the purpose of life too. If life was all about working hard and then let cancer take it away, then life is really not worth it. I questioned "So, why am I here then?" I had a lot of question but no answers. My mind was so negative that I almost fell into depression. I started to look for answers. I read Christian books and Buddhist books but none had a satisfactory answer for me. Several pastors and friends with religious background tried to help me but their answers were also not relevant. I was fighting cancer and these burning questions. I even thought that if I accepted Christianity that my cancer and the treatment will become easier to handle. Nothing of that sort happened. So from that perspective, religion disappointed me. I then realised that I was the only one who could help my situation. How I reacted to the cancer and the chemo was the only way my situation was going to improve. I started to look for ways to alleviate the suffering of the Chemo and it worked! I finally realised that I was in charge of my life. How I reacted to the effects and what I was going to do was going to determine the severity of the situation.
When I took that approach, things started to become better. I found I could handle the situation much better. In fact, more positive things started to happen. Whenever, I was felt miserable, someone or something will come to perk me up and things become a bit better to handle. From the beginning, I knew that I needed to learn QiGong properly to help myself and a proper class opened up near my home. I started positive distractions in my life and focus on things that help in my healing. The after effects of chemo did became progressively worst but I was able to cope. Towards the end, although it became unbearable but I could still will myself to persist and believed that "I will be healed"
However, those burning questions were still in my mind but they were not as important anymore until my final CT Scan result came back. The result were not very encouraging. I was again thrown into a defeating mind tunnel. I couldn't take anymore Chemo (in fact, the doctors told me that I may need salvage Chemo - a Chemo many times worst than the one I went through). However, the doctors ordered a PET scan to confirm their suspicion. I wanted another way out. I need to look for alternative solution. I researched about salvage Chemo and looking at the success rate, I already made up my mind that I was not going to do anymore Chemo regardless of the PET results.
Those burning question started all over again and a friend of mine sent me a book called "The Shack". This is not a true story book but a story which helped me answer some of the burning questions. I realized that I was not alone in the journey all along. So many positive things did happen to me during the Chemo journey and I had often wondered if those were just coincidences. It seemed like someone or something was watching and guiding the entire process. I am generally a pessimistic person and for me to realized that positive attitude was the way to go was really a major breakthrough. With the help of the book, I finally believed that there is a higher 'thing' guiding us in our lives.
So on one Sunday, I decided to follow my wife to church. My PET scan was going to happen on the following Tuesday. I went to the back of the church and started praying. While songs were being sung, all of sudden, the whole church become quiet and a warm feeling fell over me. The feeling told me that I was going to be alright and a peace swept over me. I felt like a huge burden was lifted. Mentally, I became more quiet and less anxious. I went to PET scan with a little more confidence but was still worried. I continued to pray for complete healing everyday and asked for GOD 's protection and guidance.
The few weeks waiting for the results was torturous but with renewed calmness, I handled the duration well and I trusted GOD to handle the outcome. The PET scan results finally arrived and the words were a miracle - "No scan evidence of lymphoma".
I am still learning about GOD. I don't have all the answers but somehow I think the answers do lie with the understanding of GOD. I have chosen Christianity to be my path to understanding about GOD and life. And do hope that I find those answers. Although, The Shack (Special Hardcover Edition)
is a fictional book but it has help me understand GOD. I have derived peace from understanding GOD. 
