What is the role of the support group?

"I feel I am the luckiest person in the world. Not only did I had so much support from people I knew very well but also from people I hardly knew. my neighbour cooked for me. My cousins send home cooked food on daily basis. I even had strangers who had gone through cancer treatment coming over to my house and providing me advice. I went online, joined a forum and the help from the forum was immeasurable. I had friends from all over the world - from Canada to Australia, keeping my spirits up to fight the onslaught of chemo and Cancer. I had a whole church offering prayers every Sunday for me. I had even a Reiki network group sending me 'energy'."

I can't imagine someone fighting cancer alone. It is extremely tough. I think I would not have survive the entire chemo protocol if I didn't have the encouragement from the support group.

The support can come from immediate family member, close friends or in my case my neighbours as well.

What is the support group's role

Sometimes it is difficult for someone who wants to support a cancer victim but do not know what to do. Here are some tips:

General Guidelines

• The support group main objective is just to be there. 
• It is more important to just listen to what the cancer victim wants to say and share.

• The support group is not just supporting the cancer victim but also the primary care giver. 
• One can offer to do some chores for the primary care giver, thus giving the primary care giver a break.
• One can also replace the primary care giver in attending or watching over the cancer victim

"I have such a friend to relieve my wife sometimes when my wife needed to go to work or attend to other family obligations" 

 Support Visits

• A very important point is to know when to visit. Always check with the primary care giver first, never the cancer victim. It is difficult for the cancer victim to say "No" to a visit, however, it is easier for the primary care giver to give you the true situation.
• During visit, never visit more than required. Remember it is very tiring for the cancer victim to entertain people for more than half an hour at a time unless with the victim's request.
• Towards the end of the visit, offer to clean up. Take to load of cleaning up from the primary care giver or the cancer victim.
• During visit, bring something simple and practical that the cancer victim can use.
• Bring something that can help the cancer victim because if also relieves expenses e.g. fruits, vegetables and other food stuffs. Ask the primary care giver.
• Cooked food are also fine but always plan this in advanced with the primary care giver. Tell them what you are bringing over and check if the cancer victim can consume those things you are bringing. 
• Books and reading materials
• Movies and audio materials are fine too if the cancer victim is into movies and songs. Again best to check with the primary care giver.
• Visit consistently but not too frequently unless you are very close to the cancer victim. Give the cancer victim ample time to rest. Remember entertaining guest can be taxing to the cancer victim and primary care giver.

Communications

• At times it is sufficient to just send a text message just to ask about the victim's health. Please do not ask about anything else. The primary reason you are texting or calling must be about the cancer victim's health and nothing more than that. The main focus must be the cancer victim.
• Offer a prayer.
• Make sure your text is more than just one short sentence. Never text like "how are you?" and nothing more. It will feel like you have text prepared in your phone. Make the text a bit long. Again, offer a prayer is always good.
• Do not ask too many questions either. Your questions should be able to answer in short sentence.
• Do not insist for a reply either. Give some time for the cancer victim to reply because the cancer victim may not be in the mood to reply immediately. However, it is to the primary care giver then a long delay would warrant a call to just check if everything is alright.
• Do not blast emails either. Short emails are best and again give the cancer victim time to reply. Do not expect reply immediately.

For a support group to be truly have an impact on the cancer victim's and primary care giver is consistency of support throughout the cancer victim's treatment.

Know the cancer victim's treatment regime. Never forget them. It shows that you care enough even to monitor the progress of the cancer victim's treatment.

Physical support are best, however, online support can be very effective as well. Cancer forums abound on the internet.

" I have found this forum very effective during my treatment. They have helped me tremendously. www.cancerforums.net "

Emotions

• Never say "I am sorry for your situation" It not only sounds corny but sounds so insincere. And what do you expect the reply to be? It seems like "I am sorry for you but lucky it is not me". The best way just to ask "How are you feeling today?" This shows you care about the cancer victim.
• Avoid major tears flowing scenarios, at least not in front of the cancer victim. 
• The cancer victim state of mind could be at the lowest. Always be positive and say only positive things with the cancer victim. The idea is to make the cancer victims become positive.

There is HOPE - a short message

I have decided to write in my own handwriting and really want to share with you this message of hope and faith. There is a way to beat cancer at its game. I am not promising guarantees but I will hope to give you enough knowledge to know that you can beat the cancer. I did not beat my cancer alone, I had a lot of help and I want to tell you how. Hopefully, with information you gather here, you too can beat or help someone to beat cancer.

Thanks for visiting and I do sincerely hope you will find information here useful.

TH Ong

The Primary Care Giver...the next most important person.

Words can't express how significant this person is to a person who is undergoing cancer treatment.

Of course, there are people (and I know of one) who went through chemo alone. These people have so strong will and belief that they can drive to hospital, undergo the treatment and then drive back home. They then have to figure their food and perform household chores, and some even go to work. These are super humans. I am not one of those.

My chemo took a lot out of me. Towards the end, I could not even sit in a car to get home before I vomit. I am fortunate that I have a loving wife and she is my primary care giver.

A primary care giver can be a spouse, sister, brother or a friend. The primary care giver role is not just performing support duties like accompanying to hospital, prepare food but also provide encouragement during bad times. The key word is encouragement even if the situation looks pretty bleak. I find this encouragement the most important aspect of the role of the primary care giver once the physical needs are taken care of.

Sometimes the cancer person can be very demanding and often can be a irritant to everyone including the person closest. And the primary care giver should refrain from getting angry and challenge the person. The most important objective to do during difficult situation is to try to diffuse and alleviate the situation instead. Accept and acknowledge the situation. Fight another day. Understand that the cancer person is undergoing tremendous stress, pain and may not be himself/herself. The cancer person needs a supporting ear to share the pain from a difficult situation. Keep on encouraging and if faith is strong, go into prayer to divert the situation.

The primary care giver sometimes have to be a superhuman person since they have not just perform physical duties and care giving duties but also have to be emotionally strong for both of them.

For me, I have a wonderful wife. Her name is Prema. She is my angel. Without her, I would not be able to go through chemotherapy. She is the best primary care giver I could ever ask for. On top of taking care of me, she had to nurse her own ailment and hold down a job to bring in the money to sustain the family. The burden of our family fell directly all on her shoulders while I try to withstand the onslaught of chemotherapy. I couldn't help her or the family in any way. We were hit on all four aspects (physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually) of me suffering from cancer. In additional she was my counselor. She perks me up all the time and encourages me throughout chemo and, shared my pain and suffering. She made sure I also had the right sustenance to build up my strength, ready to go on to the next chemo session. I am very fortunate that I have a caring and loving wife to help me through.

Even now, I remember the scene everyday for eight long months. When I come down the stairs, she would greet me with a wonderful smile and it never fails to cheer me up for the rest of the day. When I am down, she would say to me "I am sad that you have this cancer, but you know what, we can beat this. We take it one day at a time, one hour at a time". Her words are so comforting and she basically told me to take it 'one step at a time'.

It is so important for the primary care giver to be upbeat even though the situation does not seem so. The goal is to bring in positive thoughts and provide encouragement to the victim to fight on.

What causes cancer?

Depending on who you ask. If you ask conventional doctors their likely response to you with something like "We really don't know how cancer comes about?", even if they have some inkling of what causes cancer, it seems like they are sworn by some sacred oath that they can't really tell you. Can't really blame them, though. Most doctors, if you do not know them well, would not tell you much because they can only tell you information that has already been proven scientifically.

Maybe they are right - no one actually knows. When I was going through chemo treatment, I have seen kids as young as 10+ coming for chemo treatment. Nurses at the hospital also told me that babies get cancer as well.

Anyway, I will not debate the causes of cancer but I will tell you what I know. My information is gathered from research sources, my close doctor friends and from my readings. Some of these material may not be scientifically proven (and since the medical community cannot offer a better explanation), some explanation is better than none.

As I have covered my previous chapter 4:  how does cancer develop?,  there are three factors which influences the development of cancer namely 1) age, 2) genetics and 3) lifestyle. Age and genetics are things we cannot control, however we can do something about lifestyle. The older we are or if we have family members who had suffered from cancer before, then it is even more important to adopt a lifestyle which prevents cancer from developing in the first place.

From the chapter 4, we at least know how cancer develops,  so what causes cancer in the first place? From my research, I have summarized them into three conditions.

1) Compromised immune system. Our immune system is such a powerful body function that it is able to detect external infiltrations like bacteria and viruses, and also damaged cells in the body and kill them off. When the immune system is damage or compromised in some ways, it is unable to 'correct' the bad situation.

2) Body PH level. 
Especially cancer, it thrives in an acidic body environment. Lowering and even making the body alkaline will prevent any cancer cells from developing.

However, there is another concept of having a balance PH in the body to prevent cancer. Making PH alkaline or acidic will promote cancer cells. So if you accept this idea, the objective is to make the body's PH balance.

So we have to make sure that our immune system is in top form by making our body a bit alkaline or balanced.

3) Lower level of oxygen in cell level.
There is also this theory that cancer cells cannot grow in an oxygenated body. I believe there is some truth to this. I have always believe that any growth depends highly on the environment it is in.

Just watch nature and you can see tons of examples of how organic substances adapt and change to the environment. A lot of nature's work revolves around adaptation. Take from example a tree. If the ground is fertile and the tree has lots of sunlight and water, the tree will grow fast and lush. If any of the growth ingredients are lacking, the tree may still grow but not as lush. And if one of the ingredients is lacking, the tree may not even grow at all. Take another more interesting example - moss where they grow only in damp areas. Remove the dampness and we will kill away the moss.
 
Cells works the same way. So one way to kill off cancer cells is to understand what promotes cancer cell growth. And if we can deprive them of the ingredients that helps cancer cell grow, the cancer cells will die off just like the moss. The idea is to kill the cancer cells faster than they can replicate.

So what do we do next? I cover the 'How' topics above in Chapter 13: How to keep cancer away?

What does cancer do to a victim and family ?

"You have cancer" This words are very tragic to the victim and family members. Most of us understand that late-stage Cancer can be life threatening. The word feels like a death sentence. Why does Cancer do that? Perhaps it is because

• most often, it does not have any outward symptoms until it is too late,
• unlike other diseases, it is an attack from our own body cells. From what I was told cancer is mostly not caused by bacteria or viruses of infection and
• current conventional cancer treatment is less than desirable. It is a long haul treatment and can also be very expensive. The conventional treatment (surgery, radiotherapy and chemotherapy) are very invasive treatment. Victims undergoing these treatments suffer a lot during the treatments. The treatment after effects creates future illnesses. It is this point that makes cancer and conventional treatment such a dreaded disease.

So what happens to the victim and family member?


Cancer and more appropriately, conventional cancer treatments impacts on four fronts.

• Physically. Conventional cancer treatments makes the victim feel weak, in constant pain and destroys the body thus making even living a normal life difficult. Chemotherapy and radiotherapy destroys most of the body's good systems and require time for rejuvenate. 
• Financially. Current conventional cancer treatments are expensive. And because it is a long haul treatment, even with Government assistance, it can be expensive. On top of this, most victims will not be able to hold down a job during treatment. So this is a double blow. Victims have to pay treatment fees and cannot earn money. Treatments range from 4 months to 8 months. So victims are in for the long haul. Even after the treatments, victims may still not be able to work.
• Emotionally. It is a very emotional time during therapy. Chemotherapy can be fortnightly or every three weeks. By the time the body builds up enough strength, it will be time for another dose. Radiotherapy is normally a whole month affair, daily basis. The anticipation of what is to come can sometimes be unbearable. After effects of these treatments can even be worst than treatment day. Lots of 'self-awareness' questions like “Why me?”, “Is this all there is to life?”, “Is this it? Has my time come?”, “Why is there so much suffering in treatment”, “Does life all end up in suffering?” Other worries may also crop up especially when there are children involved. So it is a most emotional time for not just the victim but also immediate family members especially the primary care giver – a topic I will cover later.
• Spiritually. Most people I talked to encounters this topic. I definitely had numerous doubts and questions. Questions like “If there is a God, why is he so cruel?”, “I tried to live a righteous life, is this how I am repaid?”, “If everyone lends up like this, why live in the first place?”, “Where is God now?”, “What is the purpose of my life, then?”. These are just a small example of questions that often comes up and unfortunately, answers are not easily forthcoming.

I have gone through this difficult time, to the extend I almost fell into depression. Fortunately for me, I found some acceptable answers along the way.

If you have chosen conventional treatments, then physically you have to will yourself to withstand the onslaught of the treatments. Doctors will monitor your body functions to make sure medically your body can withstand the next treatment. Notice that I say “medically” because financially and more importantly emotionally, you may not want to continue.

Consider yourself lucky if you have some form of insurance coverage. This will remove one worry from your mind. If you have medical insurance, they will cover your hospital treatments. Hopefully, the coverage will be sufficient to cover total expenses. If you have critical illness insurance, then you are also covered for loss of income. This money will help tie you over during treatments. At least, you can get good rest at home to recover and not worry about money for yourself and family. If insurance is not available to you, find out if you qualify for Government assistance. Most countries have some form of such assistance. My advice to young people, please take up some form of insurance now. At least have a medical insurance (personal, not attached to a company) and if you can afford it, you should take up additional insurance for critical illnesses. You really can't imagine the feeling of relief when you encounter something like cancer and you know that financially you are covered in some ways.

Emotional state is a bit more difficult to manage. At the end of the day, you have to realize that it will be you who will have to go through the pain and trauma – no one else can take your place. The earlier you accept this predicament, the easier it is to address your emotional state. Family members and friends plays a significant role in helping to address your emotions. Their presence and helping hand are very important in this trying period. And allow them to help you. Even a simple thing like taking care of grocery shopping or walking the dog or clean up the kitchen all contributes to your healing. Even a simple text message or a simple call can lift up your spirit. The idea is to know that there are people who cares for you and thinks of you. Again, your primary care giver is very important. So important that I am dedicating a whole section to talk about it.

Regardless of your religious inclination, most of us will start to question the faith or lack of faith. I am no different.

I was raised as a Buddhist/Toaist and I do follow their philosophies but I also attended church service without much spiritual attachment. I guess I was trying to understand Christianity. During my third chemo, I started to ask myself “Why me?” “Why is God is so cruel?” type questions. I was already on the verge of depression and then I decided to pick up a book “What is the purpose of life” by Rick Warren. Certain sections of the book help me through 3rd and 4th chemo. I even went to the extend to believing that by accepting Christianity, I will breeze through chemo. Well, I was wrong. It did not get any better, in fact, it got worst. Spiritually, I was piss off and question the effectiveness of Christianity.

I was so wrong. I was limited by my understanding. Then I realised that I was weaken and broken not by the cancer but by man's answer to cancer treatment - chemotherapy and radiotherapy. But still I was not convinced. I was still spiritually broken. I tussled with this topic for a long while until towards the end of my chemo treatment.

I was given a book by a friend sometime back but I never opened it -
"The Shack" by William Young. This book help me understand about GOD. Since then, I started to pray daily and that weekend I went to church. I heard my name called in church during prayer and I was so touched. I also prayed silently to GOD and suddenly I felt a warm feeling rushed over me. Something stirring inside of me and the feeling told me that I was going to be ok.

This was my own experience. But I needed the boaster shot. I needed to be spiritually unbroken. Being in faith help me and made me stronger - perhaps not physically yet but mentally, I was more positive. I developed a belief that I was going to be fine.

What I am trying to say is that with cancer and cancer treatment which basically can destroy you physically and mentally, it is important to hold on to some faith. It will give you the extra ammunition to beat cancer.

I have to say here that this book may or may not agree with you but it has helped me to answer a lot of questions (not all) in my question about God and religion. It has helped me understand my own religious struggles with Buddhism and Christianity.

Go in with an open mind and it may also help you.

My short story...

Dec 2009 was a terrible time for me and my family. I had a few lumps behind my neck area for a few months. I did a blood test with cancer markers and they came back negative. I was really relieved with those results.

But a nagging feeling told me that all is not right and that I should see a specialist. I went to an ENT and he did a biopsy. It turned out to be cancer. I had no other symptoms except for the lumps. He immediately referred me a Hematologist. When the news hit, I thought to myself "It can't be happening to me". I am very careful with my food and I exercise 5 to 6 days a week. I do not smoke or drink. I keep to regular sleeping times. I shouldn't be having cancer. Besides I am only in late forties. I thought cancer only hit older people.

It took sometime for the news to sink in. Thank GOD my wife was with me and I called my best friend and he thought I was pulling a fast one on him (that is usual, we play pranks on one another).

The ENT also thought I caught it early so I should be okay. The Hematologist took a CTScan and bone marrow biopsy. I was still in the hospital and the worst news came. The cancer had spread to my abdomen. I had Stage 3 cancer. It was at that moment that my whole world collapse. My mind went blank. Fear just swept through me. To make the situation worst, my wife was not with me at that time - I was alone when the Hematologist told me the news (which he should not have).

Tons of things went through my head. My thoughts were really unusual. They were focused on my family. There were so many things I had not done or completed for my family. One of my biggest worry was was financial implications I had to quickly resolve.

My wife finally showed up at the hospital and I then told her the news. For the first time, I cried for myself. I held my wife for the longest time.

The Next Day
The Hematologist came and discussed options. Basically, there were none except one - Chemotherapy. Surgery and radiation was not on the table. And in his opinion I had to do 16 sessions over 8 months.

I have heard stories about chemotherapy but I didn't think much about it. I thought it cannot be as bad as people make it out to be.

I was readmitted into the hospital for a couple of days to put a Chemo port into my chest area for the Chemo. It was recommended since I had to do so many Chemo sessions and it will save my arm blood vessels.

I was still in pretty good positive spirits considering the bad news I had.

One Week Later
All this time, my mother was in and out of hospital and we decided not to tell her. A day before my first Chemo, the bad news came. My mum passed away.

Dealing with my own situation was bad enough but when my mum's passing came, I was totally in a daze. My days were like a dream state. So many things were happening all at the same time. My siblings were superb people, they took care of mum's arrangements and kept me out of it. Many people chipped in the help in whatever ways they could.

3 Chemos Later
I was able to cope with the first three chemos. When the forth one came, I became very ill. I started to vomit and feeling rotten in my stomach for days after the chemo session. It would take about 10days before I got back to some normalcy. Basically, I had 4 good days and then it starts all over again for 12 times.

As the chemo treatment went on, the after effects got worst and it took more time for me to recover.

After 8 long months.
It was a hellish time for me but with my wife, Prema as the primary care giver, friend's and family's support from all over the world, I managed to get through all the treatments and came out of victorious. Now, I have take special care so that the cancer will not relapse.

I have learn a lot from the experience and this is the reason for this book - To beat cancer in the first place. I will touch on several topics - diets, natural preventive foods, lifestyle regime, exercise, relaxation and spirituality. I hope what I share here will be of benefit to someone.

Thank you for reading.

Preface & Introduction

I am only writing this blog (book) now because I am now ready to write it. I have also kept a blog downthecancerroad.blogspot.com on my thoughts whilst going through Chemo and to keep my friends and family in touch with what I was going through physically and mentally. Downthecancerroad.blogspot.com blog served that purpose very well.

This blog is different. My intention for this blog is to share with people what I have learn about cancer, care-giving tips, keeping cancer-at-bay tips and my own research about cancer. I am not a medical professional but a victim. So I will be speaking from at victim's perspective. I intend to cover topics which often are not covered many cancer books like relationships, mental strength, spirituality and financial issues.

This blog will also cover some natural cures that I am personally using but they may not be scientifically proven. All blog post are my own thoughts and my experience and should not be considered a panacea for cancer. I am not promoting any cancer cures but I do suggest you check out some those I am using. There are some I have not used myself but I have read enough to have a belief that they may be good in preventing, arresting or even curing cancer.

If you accept with my beliefs, then use them, I am happy for you. If you do not, then discard them as nonsense. No harm done.

At this point of writing, am I out of the woods yet? No. My results have not come back but I feel positive that my own body has gotten rid of the cancer.